Positive Toddler Parenting

Some Benefits of Early Reading

Positive Toddler Parenting — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 10:54:00 GMT

Early readers stay ahead of children who are taught later in life.
Some research indicates that the gap between early readers and later readers actually increases over time. (This is sometimes known as the "Matthews Effect" where the rich learners get richer and the poor learners get poorer.)
Studies from all areas of language (spoken language, second languages, sign language, receptive language, etc.) show that it’s easier to learn the patterns of language early in childhood compared to later in childhood.
The window of opportunity for learning language begins to close by age four.
Reading is the most important skill a child learns.
Reading opens the door for many other opportunities for learning and it helps children succeed in school and in life.
Children who enter school already reading have higher self-esteem than children who cannot read when they enter school.
Children who are taught to read earlier prefer to read more than children who are taught at age five or later.
There is more neuroplasticity* early in life in part because the brain is developing so rapidly in babies and toddlers.
A Yale University study shows that “that activating children's neural circuitry for reading early on is key.”
It’s likely the brain will develop more efficiently for reading when the child learns to read early in childhood compared to later in childhood.
The current methods and ages of teaching reading are not working for hundreds of millions of children around the world.
Teaching reading earlier may eliminate most reading problems according to a US National Panel of Reading Specialists and Early Childhood Educators.
Better readers are more likely to stay in school than poor readers.
Baby brains develop faster than older children’s brains.

The power of signing...17 month old reading on the Today Show

Positive Toddler Parenting — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 22:14:58 GMT

The Development of the Human Brain:Implications for Parenting in the Early Years

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 19:07:00 GMT

A recent series of articles in the Chicago Tribune described in detail the development of the human
brain as it has been discovered through several serious research efforts. The findings reported were
fascinating but not surprising to those of us who have long believed that the early years of life have the
most impact on eventual human potential.

One of the most basic findings of the study was this: An infant's experiences actually develop his
brain. Sensory experiences (hearing, seeing, touching, feeling, tasting) actually teach brain cells their
jobs. A lack of such sensory experiences results in brain cells failing to make connections and
eventually dying off. If a child lies in a playpen all day, he is experiencing a limited number of
sensations. He will not have many new experiences through which he can establish new brain
connections. Unfortunately, these connections must be made in infancy. A person can not go back
and "redo" these experiences. The first four years of life are when the brain is "built."

Babies who have more sensory experiences are able to develop more brain power. Dr. Frederick
Goodwin who is the director of the National Institute of Mental Health participated in some of this
research. His conclusion? "Your can't make a 70 IQ person into a 120 IQ person, but you can
change their IQ measure in different ways, perhaps as much as 20 points up or down, based on their
environment." In essence, an infant born with a 100 IQ can either become an 80 IQ or a 120 IQ by
his fourth birthday, based on the poverty or enrichment of his experience base!

Another important finding of one study details the effect of a stressful environment on infants and
toddlers. Young children exposed to a steady diet of stress lay down abnormal connectors in their
brains because of high levels of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline These abnormal
connectors set up aberrant networks of connections, causing the child to learn violent responses to
benign stimuli. These networks create a brain which is designed for "fight or flight" which may lead
an individual to violence and other inappropriate responses.

Megan Gunnar, a child development psychologist at the University of Minnesota, has found that some
children from stressful environments are able to "neutralize" their stress through a caring parent or an
involved adult. "The things that are associated with resiliency have to do with protective factors like
the quality of home life, the parent-child relationship or another relationship that provides some
security for the child."

The implication of this research is exciting for parents: There is biological evidence that the
environment and nurture they provide for their children can have a powerful impact on the child's
developmental potential. Maybe our grandparents said it best: The hand that rocks the cradle
rules the world!

Positive Parenting Idea of the Day

Positive Toddler Parenting — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 22:22:46 GMT

When the Nurturing Parent discovers their actions might have been disrespectful, the proper course of action is to apologize for acting disrespectfully and to be mindful of future behavior.

--Stephen J. Bavolek, Nurturing Skills for Families

Positive Toddler Curriculum almost set!

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 23:33:30 GMT

I have been working very hard on the curriculum for this class! I am still not sure how it will be set up. I do know that I want the toddlers involved somehow. Whether it be in all the classes, or just one of hem, for a workshop type environment. Also, wether or not this will be a one day, two, three, etc...

I have a great curriculum going, so I hope this takes off very soon!

I am also working with a few organizations, such as North Carolina Early Childhood Association and National Effective Parenting Initiative to help me to help parents of toddlers raise happy, healthy, and well behaved children!

Watching Violent TV at Pre-School Age Linked to Aggression in Young Boys

Positive Toddler Parenting — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 13:08:00 GMT

Watching violent television programs between the ages of two and five years of age is clearly linked to aggressive and anti-social behaviors in boys when they reach age seven to nine, according to a new study published in the November 2007 issue of Pediatrics. Investigators Dimitri A. Christakis, MD, MPH, and Frederick Zimmerman, PhD, both of Seattle Children's Hospital Research Institute and the University of Washington School of Medicine, add these findings to their growing body of research on the effects of television and media on children and their ability to learn, socialize and develop.

The journal article titled "Violent Television Viewing During Preschool is Associated with Anti-social Behavior During School Age" reviews data from the Panel Study of Income Dynamics, which is a 40-year study of 8,000 US families. The project looked at the types of programming watched by 184 boys and 146 girls between ages two and five, and anti-social behaviors between ages seven and ten. A clear link was found between pre-school age boys who watched violent programs and their later development of anti-social and aggressive behaviors at ages seven to nine. There was no such correlation found for girls.

"This new study provides further evidence of how important and powerful television and media are as young children develop," said Christakis. "However, the news here is not all bad. While we found that shows like violent cartoons or football can make children more aggressive, we found no such effect for other programs such as educational ones. This points out that parents must be informed and very selective when making media choices for their children."

The anti-social and aggressive behaviors noted in this study's data included observations about cheating, being mean to others, feeling no regret, being destructive, disobedience at school and having trouble with teachers.

In the study, television programming such as football, many cartoons and titles like Power Rangers, Star Wars, Space Jam and Spider Man were all classed as violent entertainment because characters fight or flee from violent situations, laugh or cheer as they rejoice in violent acts, and show more violence than would be expected in the everyday life of a child. Even G-rated films intended for children can be filled with violence and classed as violent entertainment, according to this definition. By contrast, shows considered non-violent included programs like Toy Story, Flintstones and Rugrats. A third category of educational programming was also reviewed, such as Barney, Sesame Street, Magic School Bus and Winnie-the-Pooh. Significantly, the correlation to later aggressive and anti-social behaviors in boys only appeared with those shows and programming rated as violent.

It has long been suspected that television, media and entertainment have a great impact on the development of children. "We now recognize that content is key," said Christakis. "Given the media saturated world that young children now inhabit, we need further research and policies to ensure that media exerts a positive influence on children."

In a related companion journal article appearing in the same issue of Pediatrics called "Association Between Content Types of Early Media Exposure and Subsequent Attentional Problems," the same researchers found that for children under age three, each hour per day spent watching violent television was associated with approximately twice the risk of attention problems five years later. There was also significant risk of increased attention problems associated with watching nonviolent television for the same age group, but no risk was associated with viewing educational programming. Older children ages four and five showed no increased risk five years later for attention problems from watching violent or non-violent programs. This second study was based on data collected from parents of 933 children and shows that the effect of violent television content on attention problems is much higher than previously estimated when program content was not identified.

"It would appear both of these studies rule out educational TV as a contributor to either aggression or attention problems among young children," said Zimmerman. "Parents can take some comfort in that, especially since there is some high-quality educational programming available on TV and DVD. Together these studies suggest that by changing the channel, parents may be able to change their children's behavior."

Christakis' and Zimmerman's other recent studies have shown that playing with blocks can improve language acquisition, and that baby DVDs and videos that purport to enhance language development may in fact actually hinder it. Together they are authors of the book The Elephant in the Living Room: Make TV Work for Your Kids, a guide for parents.

Gentleness Training Can Help Toddlers Adjust

Positive Toddler Parenting — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 20:40:00 GMT

Kids May Need Help With Change

Expecting another baby? Or, does your child play too roughly with playmates or even the family pet? Sounds like some "gentleness training" is in order. Toddlers don't necessarily know how to behave properly around a newborn, young puppy, or even a playmate. That's where adults step in to serve as role models and teach "gentleness." Here's how.

Show your child gentleness skills and role-play the actions. If you're expecting a new baby, have your child practice how to be gentle using a doll or favorite stuffed animal. Be sure to explain why a youngster needs to be gentle, and why an infant's back and neck needs to be supported. Kids are curious, and will react better if they understand that an infant is not capable of holding the head up.
Teach that gentleness means voice and movement. Too many toddlers achieve gentle motions, only to startle or scare a newborn or even new animal through frenzied movements and shrieking voices. Teach a toddler that calmness and gentleness is best reflected through slow, controlled movement, soft voice, and gentle touch. Demonstrate how a toddler should touch a baby (include when and where as well) and how a young animal should be petted. The same holds true for a playmate; toddlers should be taught how to converse and touch a playmate (explain that nobody likes to be poked, prodded, yelled at, kicked, etc., even in play).

Be a positive role model. Kids learn best by example. Adults should demonstrate calm and gentle tone and actions. Older toddlers will understand how it makes them feel vs. when someone is yelling, bopping, or otherwise frenzying around them. If you exhibit yelling and are constantly moving and on the go, then why would your toddler act otherwise?

Praise generously and avoid the temptation to criticize. Don't tell a toddler that he's doing it wrong; instead, offer better ways to practice holding a doll or stroking a puppy's fur. Don't overly put pressure on a youngster about expectations for gentleness; the lessons should be instilled over an amount of time. Use praise generously. Offer to take a picture of the child with his new puppy or newborn sister when he has learned how to be gentle, and show it off to teachers, family and friends.

Gentleness is a learned behavior, and with proper parenting guidance, kids will master the calm and gentle skills needed to be the doting sibling or pet-owner!

Eight Dangerous Myths About Spanking

Positive Toddler Parenting — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 10:11:00 GMT

This article examines and refutes some of the most common myths about spanking. It may be reprinted in its entirety if credit is given to the author and a link is provided to Project NoSpank at www.nospank.net
A few nights ago, I was talking to a friend when the subject of spanking came up. I could not have been more surprised when her first response was, "I can't say I'm totally against it. What if a two year old is crawling for a hot stove?"
This is not an uninformed woman. She and I both cut our clinical teeth working with victims of domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault. We have seen over and over the harm and damage caused by interpersonal violence.

Yet for some reason, she is still not able to set aside the old wives' tale which holds that spanking, unlike any other form of hitting, is a benign practice.

I'm sorry to say my response to my friend wasn't a particularly enlightening one. I managed to gasp out one or two rebuttals, but mostly, I just stammered in shock.

The confrontation, and my response to it, got me thinking about the most common myths people use to justify hitting children. In this article, I've examined eight of those myths and I've provided the researched, reasoned responses I wish I'd had ready for my friend.

Myth 1. Being spanked never hurt anybody.

This makes little sense for many reasons. First, the whole idea of spanking is to inflict at least temporary pain. People who advocate spanking are well aware of this. For instance, James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family and unapologetic advocate of spanking, has noted that "pain is a marvelous purifier" (qtd. in Greven, 1991, p. 68). Other spanking advocates have recommended corporal punishment severe enough to leave redness, welts, and even bruises on the child's skin (Greven, 1991, pp. 79-80).

Since most children are spanked on the buttocks-a part of the body they have been told is "private"-they feel shame and humiliation as well, along with an uncertainty about how "private" that part of their body truly is (Johnson, 2001).

But even beyond the mortification and the physical hurt, there is a longer-lasting emotional pain. Among many other negative outcomes, being spanked has been linked to:

Low self esteem (Bryan & Freed, 1982)
Depression (Straus, 1994)
Masochism (Straus & Donnelly, 1994)
Psychological Distress (Turner & Finkelhor, 1996)
Myth 2: I was spanked, and I'm okay.
Most smokers never develop cancer, most drunk drivers don't get into wrecks, and most children who grow up in homes with lead paint do not suffer brain damage. But no intelligent adult would seriously advocate smoking, driving drunk, or using lead-based paint to decorate their walls. There's also one more thing to consider. Most people who were spanked are "okay" in the sense that they aren't in prisons or psychiatric facilities. However, corporal punishment is handed down from one generation to the next. Compared to people who were not spanked, people who were spanked as children are more likely to spank their own kids (Muller, Hunter, & Stollak, 1995). Let's put that in plain English: People who were hit when they were vulnerable children are more likely to think it is acceptable-even desirable-for a fully grown adult to use painful physical force against a small child. How okay is that?

Myth 3: Some children need a good, hard spanking.

Let's look at who really benefits from the spanking. The child? No. Other interventions work just as well in the short term and better in the long term. Furthermore, the spanked child is put at risk for many negative consequences (see Myths 1, 5 and 8).

Rather, it's the parent who benefits, in two ways. First, the parent achieves immediate results-results which could also be gotten through non-violent methods. Second, the physical punishment gives the parent a release of anger and tension-a kind of catharsis. Using a non-violent form of discipline such as time out or even a verbal command ("Don't touch!") will alter the child's behavior just as effectively, but it won't provide the parent with the same degree of emotional release (Carey, 1994).

In other words, parents continue to spank because spanking meets some of their own misguided needs. It does not benefit the child.

Myth 4: Spanking is the best way to stop dangerous behavior in toddlers.

Small children have short attention spans when it comes to long lists of rules. Spanking may stop the behavior in the moment, but not any more effectively than non-violent discipline (e.g., time-out, saying "no," etc.). With toddlers no method of discipline, including spanking, works reliably for more than a couple of hours (Larzelere, Schneider, Larson, & Pike, 1996).

There are only two ways to keep toddlers safe. The first is adjusting the environment (for instance, keeping sharp objects locked away or out of the child's reach, or building a fence around the back yard to provide a safe play area). The second is providing careful, loving, and nonviolent supervision.

Myth 5: Being spanked keeps children out of trouble.

Being spanked has consistently been linked with aggressive behavior (Frick, Christian, & Wootton, 1999), including domestic violence (Simons, Lin, & Gordon, 1998) and cruelty to animals (Flynn, 1999). Jordan Riak, who works with convicted felons, has noted that close to 99% of the men in his groups report being spanked as children (personal communication, 1/9/02). If the goal is keeping children out of trouble, spanking is clearly not the way to go.

There is another problem as well. While spanking may teach some children to avoid certain behaviors out of fear of punishment, it does not teach the child to think about what is right and what is wrong. Rather, it teaches the child to ask, "Will I get caught?" and "Will I be punished?" Spanked children do not learn to measure their behaviors against their own moral beliefs. Rather, they rely blindly on the judgment of those in authority-those who have the power to punish. If the person in authority gives unethical orders, the results can be tragic. It is no coincidence that a society where physical punishment was the norm gave rise to the most shameful words of the twentieth century: "I was only following orders."

Myth 6: Nothing but spanking works on some children.

First, let's look at the child's age. If the child is a toddler, for instance, no method of discipline, including spanking, is going to reliably curb certain behaviors for more than an hour or two at a time. The frustrated parent may get some emotional payoff from the spanking. The child will only be harmed.

Second, were the alternative methods of discipline being used correctly? I once spoke with a client who told me she "had" to spank her four-year-old daughter because the child wouldn't stay in her time-out chair. The length of the time-out? Four hours! No child can be expected to sit still for four hours with no diversion-to demand it is abuse. While it is beyond the scope of this article to discuss the vast number of successful non-violent methods of discipline and how to use them, many parenting websites and books do just that. A quick search of the internet or the local library will provide dozens of effective alternatives to spanking.

Finally, some parents misperceive the actual value of spanking. They may, for instance, spank their child repeatedly for the same misbehavior, but declare time-out or some other non-violent means of discipline a failure when it does not stop the problem behavior after only one trial. The research, meanwhile, is clear: even in the very short term, spanking does not work any better than non-violent means of discipline such as explanation, time out, or verbal command (Larzelere, Sather, Schneider, Larson, & Pike, 1998; Roberts & Powers, 1990). There is no reason to strike a child. Ever.

Myth 7: Spanking isn't hitting or violence-it's discipline.

Imagine this scenario: an aide at a nursing home for Alzheimer's patients discovers an elderly woman poking at an electrical outlet. The aide immediately slaps the woman hard across the buttocks several times, reducing the woman to tears.

Has the woman been hit? Most of us would agree that she has. Has she been a victim of violence? Most of us would agree to that, also. Furthermore, even though there is no permanent injury to her physical being, every state in the United States would define what happened to the woman as abuse. The aide would certainly lose her job and might face criminal charges as well; the facility would be in danger of losing its license.

But substitute "two-year-old" for "elderly woman" and "parent" for "nursing home aide" and all of a sudden, our perceptions change. The hitting and the violence become a "spanking" and even some of the most dedicated child rights activists start referring to the incident as "sub-abusive." Why? The two-year-old is equally hurt and humiliated by the blows; he or she is no better able to defend against them; and he or she is not more likely to get any benefit from them.

The fact that our society has arbitrarily decided to offer protection to one victim and withhold it from the other does not alter the truth: spanking is hitting and it is violent.

Myth 8: Spanking is not harmful if it's done by loving, supportive parents.

If anything, it may be even more distressing for a child to feel loved and supported by the very people who perpetrate violence against him or her. The child could learn to confuse love with violence, or to believe that it is okay to use force in the context of close, loving relationships. Or, the child could begin to feel worthless and believe he or she deserves physical violence.

Not surprisingly, the research shows that the negative effects of spanking persist, even among loving and supportive families. The negative effects that have been studied in the context of family support include antisocial behavior and conduct problems (Frick, Christian, & Woottton, 1999; Gunnoe & Mariner, 1997), teen dating violence (Simons, Lin, & Gordon, 1998), masochism (Straus & Donnelly, 1994), and psychological distress (Turner & Finkelhor, 1996).

The research is clear and has been for some time: Spanking causes harm. No matter how or why it is administered, it is not benign or beneficial. It is physical violence. And, like any other type of physical violence, spanking scars its victims emotionally.

We have spent too many years ignoring the research and accepting the myths about spanking without bothering to investigate them fully. The time has come to confront these myths and stop finding excuses to hit children.
References Bryan, J. W., & Freed, F. W. (1982). Corporal punishment: Normative data and sociological and psychological correlates in a community college population. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 11, 77-87.
Carey, T. A. (1994). Spare the rod and spoil the child: Is this a sensible justification for the use of punishment in child rearing? Child Abuse & Neglect, 18(12), 1005-1010.

Flynn, C. P. (1999). Exploring the link between corporal punishment and children's cruelty to animals. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 971-981.

Frick, P. J., Christian, R. E., & Wootton, J. M. (1999). Age trends in the association between parenting practices and conduct problems. Behavior Modification, 23(1), 106-128.

Gunnoe, M. L., & Mariner, C. L. (1997). Towards a developmental-contextual model of the effects of parental spanking on children's aggression. Archives in Pediatric Adolescent Medicine, 151, 768-775.

Johnson, T. (2001). The sexual dangers of spanking children (2nd ed.) [Booklet]. Alamo, CA: PTAVE.

Larzelere, R. E., Sather, P. R., Schneider, W. N., Larson, D. L., & Pike, P. L. (1998). Punishment enhances reasoning's effectiveness as a disciplinary response to toddlers. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 388-403.

Larzelere, R. E., Schneider, W. N., Larson, D. B., & Pike, P. L. (1996). The effects of discipline responses in delaying toddler misbehavior recurrences. Child and Family Therapy, 18, 35-37.

Muller, R. T., Hunter, J. E., & Stollak, G. (1995). The intergenerational transmission of corporal punishment: A comparison of social learning and temperament models. Child Abuse & Neglect, 19(11), 1323-1335.

Roberts, M. W., & Powers, S. W. (1990). Adjusting chair timeout enforcement procedures for oppositional children. Behavior Therapy, 21, 257-271.

Simons, R. L., Lin, K., & Gordon, L. C. (1998). Socialization in the family of origin and male dating violence: A prospective study. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 467-478.

Straus, M. A. (Ed.). (1994). Beating the devil out of them: Corporal punishment in American families and its effect on children. Boston: Lexington.

Straus, M. A., & Donnelly, D. A. (1994). The fusion of sex and violence. In M. A. Straus (Ed.), Beating the devil out of them: Corporal punishment in American families (pp. 121-136). Boston: Lexington.

Turner, H. A., & Finkelhor, D. (1996). Corporal punishment as a stressor among youth. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58, 155-166.

When toddlers bite other children

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 22:10:28 GMT

By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Gentle Baby Careand The No-Cry Sleep Solution

A worried mother asks, “Today at our play group my son BIT my friend’s daughter! My friend acted like it was a normal childhood problem, and told me not to worry about it, but I’m horrified! Why did my son do this? How can I prevent it from happening again?”

Learn about it

Your friend has obviously had some experience with toddlers, and she knows that biting a playmate is common in this age group (perhaps her daughter has already been on the other side of the action.) Toddlers don’t have the words to describe their emotions, they don’t quite know how to control their feelings, and they don’t have any concept of hurting another person. When a toddler bites a friend, it most likely isn’t an act of aggression: It is simply an immature way of trying to get a point across, experimentation with cause and effect, or playfulness gone awry.

What not to do about biting

Many parents respond emotionally when their toddler uses his teeth on another human being; their immediate response is anger, followed by punishment. This is because we view the act from an adult perspective. However, if we can understand that a toddler bite is most likely a responsive reflex, we can avoid responding in the following typical, yet unnecessary and ineffective ways:

Don’t bite your child back to “show him how it feels.” He isn’t purposefully hurting his playmate. He doesn’t understand that what he did is wrong, so by responding with the same action you may actually be reinforcing that this is an acceptable behavior, or confusing him entirely.
Don’t assume that your child is willfully misbehaving. The ways that you’ll treat these behaviors in an older child, who understands that biting is wrong, will be different than how you will approach this with a toddler.
Don’t yell at your toddler. This will do nothing more than scare her; it won’t teach her anything about what she’s just done.

What to do about biting

When you understand that your child’s actions are normal, and that they aren’t intentional misbehavior, you will be able to take the right steps to teach her how to communicate her anger and frustration. This takes time, and she’ll need more than one lesson. Here’s how to teach your child not to bite:

Watch and intercept
As you become familiar with your toddler’s actions, you may be able to stop a bite even before it even occurs. If you see that your child is getting frustrated or angry – perhaps in the middle of a tussle over a toy – step in and redirect her attention to something else.
Teach
Immediately after your toddler bites another child, look her in the eye and tell her in one or two short sentences what you want her to know, such as, “Biting hurts. We don’t bite. Give Emmy a hug now. That will make her feel better.” Then, give your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time; “If you want a toy, you can ask for it or come to Mommy for help.”
Avoid playful biting
Nibbling your little one’s toes or playfully nipping his fingers sends a mixed message to your child. A little one won’t understand when biting another person is okay and when it’s not, nor is she able to judge the pressure she’s putting into the bite. As she gets a little older, she will start to understand that some things can be done carefully and gently in play, but not in anger. This takes a little more maturity to understand 3⁄4 more than you can expect your toddler to have at her young age.
Give more attention to the injured child
Typically, we put all our energy into correcting the biter’s actions and we don’t give the child who was bitten any consolation. Soothing the child who was bitten can show your child that his actions caused another child fear or pain. You can even encourage your child to help sooth his friend.
The repeat offender

If you’ve gone though the above steps, and then your child bites again, you can respond with a little more intensity. If you catch him in the act, immediately go to him. Take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye, and firmly announce, “No biting: time-out.” Direct him to a chair and have him sit for a minute or two. It doesn’t take very long for your message to sink in. (And, with a toddler, a longer time-out can dilute the message as he may actually forget why he’s sitting there!)

If you miss the action, but are told about it later, you can have a talk with your child about what happened. Limit yourself to a few brief, specific comments, as a lengthy lecture is almost never effective. A child who bites a playmate more than once may need more guidance on how to handle frustration and anger. Reading toddler books on the topic, role-playing, and demonstration of appropriate actions can all help your child learn how to respond to his own emotions in socially appropriate ways.

First Aid for Bites

Although the risk of injury from a toddler's bite is small, it’s good to know what to do in case of a bite that breaks through the skin:

Calm and reassure the child who was bitten.
Wash your hands with soap and water.
Wash the wound with mild soap and water.
Cover the injury with a bandage.
If the bite is actively bleeding, control the bleeding by applying direct pressure with a clean, dry cloth.
Call your pediatrician for advice.

Brat Attack: Stopping Tantrums

Positive Toddler Parenting — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 20:38:00 GMT

Parents Can Minimize Tantrum Potential

Who hasn't heard an out-of-control toddler shrieking at the top of his lungs in a store while a frantic (and embarrassed) parent tries to defuse the situation? Anyone with toddlers knows the scenario all-too-well, and babysitters and providers alike have experienced the wails, acts of defiance, or outright tantrums. So, we all know what a toddler tantrum is; the question is what can be done about this brat-like behavior?

The good news is that child experts say that tantrums are typically not caused to test a parent's patience; rather, they are a typical part of growing up. Toddlers often act out because they are learning to control themselves and to develop independence. However, having said that, it doesn't mean parents should condone the behavior. Rather, parents and/or providers need to learn to manage the situations to make it more stressful on everyone involved.

And part of that is by learning more about what typically causes the tantrum eruptions and find a solution to avoid those triggers.

To help in determining what helps to minimize tantrums, parents should note patterns concerning behavior as to when your child is at his best and at his worst; and what happens when she is hungry or tired; overstimulated; bored; or frustrated. Then, give the following suggestions a try.

As possible, try and schedule on-the-go activities during your child's peak times and avoid trips to the store and other errands during key meltdown times. Really observe and listen to your child, and understand that sometimes tantrums occur because your toddler is trying to communicate a feeling or need, and is frustrated over not being understood.

Praise, praise, praise good behavior and talk about what your expectations are and what consequences will be administered if bad behavior occurs. If you decide to reward a child for good behavior, consider making it in the form of a non-gift and non-food. The "treat" for great behavior, for example, can be 10 minutes of snuggle time in a favorite chair with a parent and picking a favorite book to look at together. Many parents fall into a trap of "buying" a child's good behavior, only to find that it backfires because kids will learn to manipulate that toward their own gain.

Be prepared to back up what consequences you set for a child, even if that means leaving a store without making the planned purchases, or really putting a child to bed for the evening 2 hours early. Parents/providers also need to not take it so personally when a child exhibits bratty behavior from time to time, and try and keep calm control and not let the explosion get the best of them.

The best news about tantrums is that they really and truly will pass. As kids continue to develop and improve their ability to communicate and make their wants/needs known, the tantrums will typically diminish. But not to worry; it only means children are on to their next stage of behavior and growth, and with it new actions and misdeeds to keep a handle on!

Tyrant Toddler Behavior

Positive Toddler Parenting — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:38:34 GMT

Redirection Often Works

Toddlers are such incredible creatures of change. One day, they like something. The next day, it's something else. The same goes for toddler behavior. Toddlers go through such intense developmental, emotional and physical changes in such short amounts of time. In addition, they are developing language and asserting their newfound independence. That's all well and good, but tyrant-like toddler behavior that may on occasion erupt from your Prince or Princess Charming is not.

What Can Parents Do To Keep The 'Tyrant-itis' Away?

1. Keep the focus on your youngster's positive toddler behavior.

2. Ignore specific bad behavior.

3. Notice patterns of toddler behavior.

4. Use the 'time out' technique.

Positive Discipline for Your Toddler

Positive Toddler Parenting — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:53:32 GMT

Disciplining your toddler is a way to teach him about appropriate behaviors and family values. By the time he reaches 18 months, your toddler is already keenly aware of his environment. He knows that his actions have a direct effect on you and others, and he will test your limits over and over again. Your job is to teach him how to focus his actions and behavior in appropriate ways. This period is called "the terrible twos" for good reason, but don’t be misled by the name — this type of behavior often starts before age two.

Contrary to popular belief, discipline is not the same thing as punishment. Most discipline should be positive and, when used correctly, should prevent the need for punishment. Punishment is really negative discipline, and should be reserved for the two or three most disruptive behaviors that you have not been able to change through positive discipline techniques.

What is positive discipline?

Positive discipline is a way of teaching your toddler rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and thoughtful way. By providing consistent, positive discipline, you not only provide the framework for a secure, confident child but you also significantly decrease conflict and stress within your family.

Here are 10 steps to get you started:

Show your love daily. Give your toddler hugs and kisses and tell him that you love him every single day! The human touch is important for normal social development in your toddler, and it makes him feel secure and happy. A hug and kiss from your toddler will do wonders for you, too.
Listen to your toddler. Just as you expect your toddler to listen to you, you should listen to her and show her that her thoughts are important and that she is an important part of your family. This will help build her self-esteem and foster respect toward others.
Spend time with your toddler every day. As parents, we have so many demands placed on us every day just to keep the household running. However, it’s important to take time each day to drop everything and spend time with your toddler — even if it’s only for 15 minutes. Not only will you strengthen your bond, but you will also let him know that he doesn’t need to go to drastic measures or have a temper tantrum to get your attention. Play a pretend game, color, do a crafts project or read a book. Remember: What you do doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you are doing it.
Demonstrate behavior that you want your toddler to adopt. Your toddler is very aware of your actions, so if you tell him to behave one way but then do the opposite, you are going to confuse him. Actions speak louder than words. If you expect your toddler to sit at the table for dinner or wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom, you must do the same.
Catch your toddler being good. There is nothing better for your toddler than hearing that she did something well. Compliment her several times a day on a job well done, and it will do wonders for her rules-following, motivation and self-esteem. If she often colors on the walls, but one day you notice that she is coloring on paper, you might say, "I see that you are coloring on paper today. I am so proud of you. Let's hang that on the refrigerator!" If your toddler usually throws food on the floor but doesn’t at a particular meal, you can say, "You fed yourself so nicely today," or "You kept all your food on your plate — good job!"
Keep Kids Stimulated. Toddlers are infamous for their short attention spans, and certain situations seem calculated to bring on a tantrum or meltdown — things like a trip to the mall, which can take hours, or a series of errands. If possible, keep trips as short as possible. Another trick: constantly change your child’s position from riding in the shopping cart to walking to carrying, thus constantly changing the stimuli he receives.
Offer simple choices. If a toddler is allowed to make choices throughout the day, such as wearing his tennis shoes or his sandals, or eating cheese or tuna for lunch, he will feel more in control and there will be fewer power struggles. He must learn, however, that sometimes there are no choices, especially when a rule applies to safety issues, such as holding your hand when he crosses a street, or not picking up his baby sister without your helping him.
Provide limited, simple rules. It’s important to have a simple set of rules for your toddler and to discuss thee rules with her to make sure she is aware of them. You may also want to post them in your kitchen — even though your toddler can’t read, she will know that those are "the rules." She may even ask you to read them many times. Drawing a key picture next to each rule is also helpful and provides a constant reminder about them. When drawing up your rules, try to state them in positive terms. For example, instead of saying, "Never cross the street by yourself," you should say, "Always hold an adult’s hand before you cross the street."
Provide a united front with your significant other. If you are in a two-parent family, each of you may have different parenting views or styles. Discuss this in advance and decide together the values you want your toddler to learn, the rules you want him to follow and the consequences that will result from not following these rules. If you don’t, your toddler may become confused and take sides, causing conflicts within the family.
Make rule-following fun! Let your toddler know that following the rules can be fun. See who can clean up the blocks first. Have your toddler pretend to be Cinderella, dress her up, and give her cleaning jobs. See who can have the best manners at the dinner table. These types of games are fun for your toddler and, at the same time, teach her to behave properly.

Role Modeling: What Your Child Really Learns from you

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:49:00 GMT

What we want to understand is that when we say, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" we mean that our children are observing and absorbing so much about us, so much of which is done subconsciously and with little awareness. And yes, they have our genes and our makeup, but most of all they acquire our behaviors. Neither we, nor them, realize how much they learn from us, and how much they imitate and copy us, and not all is good, of course. Now it might be hard to always monitor ourselves to realize when our own behavior is appropriate and when it's not; but the truth of the matter is that we don't have much choice: we need to do so. From the time we become parents our children are completely dependent on us in so many ways, one of which is learning proper behaviors. And as our responsibility is in feeding, clothing, and keeping them safe, it is in role modeling for them.

Now, there really isn't any harm in whining, unless we simply don't like it. There's no need to be perfect; we simply cannot. The most we need to do is listen to ourselves and observe our own behaviors when we are raising children who look up to us. We want to remember that our children see their home as the reflection of the whole environment around them, i.e. - their home life is a micro-cosmos to the rest of the cosmos. And no, we might not always be able to change who we are, or even want to change who we are, we merely want to be honest about who we are and be able to face our own behaviors in our children when we see them. Unless, we don't like it and thus are willing to change.

How many times we say to our child: "only two more minutes…" as two minutes go by -three, four, or more times? How many times we threat: "stop (or 'put this down, don't!' etc), or I will…"? The great failing in this is in our negligence to listen to ourselves. If we did, we might have asked ourselves: 'why am I saying this? I clearly don't mean it.'

Let's look at some other examples:

If you're a yeller, you will wake up one day to your children yelling just like you.
If you are rude to service people, your children would see this as a way of treating people in general.
If you make degrading remarks towards people of different race, gender, or religion, your children will learn that racism-sexism is accepted and agreed upon.
If you're impatient, your children might have a low frustration level.
If you're fearful of life, overly worried, or often sad or depressed - your children would have a hard time seeing life from a cheerful point of view.
If you don't follow through on promises or projects, tend to be late, put off plans, etc. - it would be hard of you to ask your children to be prompt and punctual.
If you tend to be dramatic in your problem solving tactics and throw tantrums easily, your children will model this as a way to solve their problems and manipulate themselves out of difficult situations.
If you have a hard time feeling compassionate towards other people's feelings, your child will have a hard time learning to respect your feelings or ideas.

Obviously, the list can go on and on, as all of us can check ourselves from time to time to raise our own awareness. We can see it as a second chance to re-evaluate our morals and behaviors. Many people before me have stated that children are our best teachers, as I so agree with that. The more we understand the responsibility we have in raising them, the more we become responsible in more ways all together. And raising our children "better" only makes us feel better, about them, about ourselves. In the end, we all benefit.

Three Reasons Why You Should Not Degrade Your Children

Positive Toddler Parenting — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 08:46:00 GMT

Have you ever gotten mad at your child? Be honest. No one can answer that question with a "no" and really mean it. When you've gotten angry, have you said things you didn't necessarily mean? Things that may have been hurtful and degrading?

Let's face it – it's not uncommon to say things that you don't really mean in the heat of an argument. The problem is that when you say these things to your children, it really hits home and makes an impact.

#1 – Words Can Hurt Let's say you're fighting with your brother or sister. One thing leads to another and before you know it you're calling your sibling a not-so-nice name and storming out of the room. No big deal, right? After all, siblings fight and sooner or later you both get over it.

Now change the scenario and instead of you fighting with a sibling, it's you fighting with your child. One thing leads to another and that not-so-nice name is directed at your child. Think it won't leave a permanent emotional scar? Guess again.

#2 – Your Opinion Makes an Impression As a parent, each and every thing you say to your child about personality, character and intellect really does affect the way your child views themselves as a person. If you call your child dumb, he's really going to think he's dumb. If you call her ignorant, she's really going to think she's ignorant. The harm may not be apparent on the surface, but deep down inside you're planting the seeds of self-doubt and low self esteem in the character of your child.

It's human nature for a child to look to their parent for guidance. If a parent is constantly criticizing a child, that child is going to suffer because of it. Does that mean you should be singing their praises even when they've done something wrong? Absolutely not! But remember – it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

#3 – Outbursts Don't Teach Proper Communication or Self Control You can tell your child that you're disappointed in their behavior without calling them a name or degrading them as a person. If you're angry with your child, don't let a word fall from your mouth without first considering how it's going to sound when he or she hears it. If it sounds like a personal attack, rethink the way you're approaching it and word your thoughts differently. If you want your child to grow up knowing how to properly communicate and show their disappointment or displeasure, you need to be the one to set the example.

By communicating with your child in a calm, rational and non-confrontational manner, you'll be able to get your point across without doing any damage to the emotional development of your son or daughter.

Getting Kids to Listen: Four Easy Steps

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 20:43:08 GMT

You have done a good job of listening to your children; Now it is time for them to also listen to you. However, do not mistake establishing your authority to mean you are authoritarian. You have clearly established a democratic atmosphere that has given your children a voice in the family. But your leadership is required. The following guidelines for discipline will help you clarify who is in charge in your family.

1. Communicate your expectations clearly.

Pitfall: Some parents express what they want their child do by including a child's feelings as a part of the communication. For example: "Let's get in the car. I know you want to go to grandma's, don't you?"

Say, instead: "I want you to get in your car seat now. We are going to grandma's house."

2. Accept your child's feelings, but reinforce your expectations.

Pitfall: Expecting your child to show enthusiasm or contentment about doing what is required.

Instead, be willing to reflect your child's negative feelings about doing what you require, but do not negate what you expect. For example: "Grandma is waiting for us. You must get in your car seat. I know you are sad about having to leave your friends right now. You will be able to play again another day."

3. Communicate and deliver consequences.

Pitfalls: Many parents resort to yelling, instead of communicating and delivering consequences in a matter-of-fact tone. Or they do not follow through on consequences they communicate because they threaten inappropriately in the heat of anger.

Instead, accept complaints, but clarify what will happen if they do not listen. For example: "If you do not get in your car seat by the count of three, I will put you in myself." Or, for an older child, "If you do not do your homework, you will not be able to watch your TV program." Be sure you make appropriate consequences that you are willing to deliver. Then, follow through! (Note: Yelling is not a viable consequence, and only leads to escalation!)

Expect to follow through on your consequences BEFORE your children will listen. It will take one, two or three times for your child to know that you mean what you say, especially if you have been resorting to whining or complaining instead of being authoritative (which we all do at one time or another).

4. Separate your child's behavior from their self-esteem. Label a behavior "bad," but not your child's motives or character.

Pitfall: To confuse behavior with character labels. For example: "No hitting! Only bad boys hit."

Instead, "Hitting is a bad thing to do to others. You must learn to use your words." Or to an older child when addressing a bad mistake. "You are not a thief. Why in the world did you steal that lipstick?" Separating behavior from action allows children to learn from their mistakes, rather than be condemned by them.

It is our job as parents to guide our children. We must be willing to accept anger and other negative feelings when we set appropriate limits. As long as your expectations are reasonable for your child's age, you may successfully adopt the role of benevolent dictator when necessary.

As parents you have your children's best interests at heart. You have raised them to give you their input. Pat yourself on the back. They will feel empowered to express themselves and be able to influence the direction of their destiny in their adult lives.

But do not stop short of taking charge. Your calm leadership is necessary to create a stable environment. Children and parents flourish in an atmosphere that promotes order over chaos.

As children grow from infancy through childhood and into adolescence, we notice some interesting things happening in the way parents interact with them

Positive Toddler Parenting — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 10:57:00 GMT

What we notice is a bit distressing, given the effects these things have on putting distance between parents and their children.

Parents spend a great deal of time holding newborn babies close and cuddling them, stroking them, talking to them, looking into their eyes, poking them with their fingers, smiling at them, and trying to invoke smiles and laughter. But by the time children are adolescents, particularly boys, there is a remarkable decline in the frequency of touching, hugging, patting, or poking. There is very little shooting the breeze, chitchat, and casual talk, and in many homes, almost no laughter. The incidence of smiling has even taken a nose-dive.

We know how much influence a parent has over a child's behavior is directly related to the proximity of the parent to the child. In other words, the closer parents are to their children the greater the influence they can have on them, This, of course, is particularly true with young children who are still at home, but it is true, as well, with children who are raised and out of the home.

Here are a few suggestions for how to remain close to our children:

1. Remain verbally close to your children.
Spend time talking to your children. Model good verbal behavior. Teach your children through example and involvement how to express themselves, how to listen, and how to engage in conversation one with another.

2. Build a positive relationship.
Unless what you are about to say or do has a high probability of making things better, don't say it and don't do it -- just talk, don't judge, don't sermonize, don't moralize, don't instruct, don't reason, don't advise - just talk. This doesn't mean there will never be times when you will advise or instruct, but make those separate occasions when that is what the occasion is for.

3. Increase appropriate physical interactions.
In addition to hugging, appropriate touching, tapping, rubbing, patting, scratching, and jabbing are wonderful ways of communicating with our children. Arm wrestling, playfully scrapping on the playing field, a good back and shoulder rub at the end of the day-this is the glue that binds.

Occasionally, children will exhibit behaviors that simply can't be ignored

Positive Toddler Parenting — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 10:54:00 GMT

These are behaviors which left unattended can result in serious damage and harm to person and property.

I must emphasize again the importance of looking first for opportunities to positively reinforce selected appropriate behaviors. In 99 out of 100 cases, when this is done systematically and consistently, there will be little need to worry about inappropriate behaviors.

There will be no need for children to behave inappropriately if they are getting all the attention they need by behaving appropriately. Having said that, however, there still exists the probability that a child at some time will behave inappropriately to such a degree that it must be attended to.

When that's the case, first determine whether the behavior is a predictably reoccurring behavior or whether it is an unexpected, out-of-the-blue, behavior. It is important to make the distinction between these two kinds of behaviors since the approach you should use is different for the one than for the other.

Let's begin with the treatment of those rare, unexpected, out-of-the blue behaviors. Suppose that for no readily apparent reason one child uncharacteristically lashes out at another child either verbally or physically. Maintaining complete composure, but with firmness in his/her voice and a stern but controlled facial expression, the parent should immediately put a stop to the assault. Speaking in a therapeutic, understanding, relaxed manner, send the child to his room for a moment to cool off. You might even place your hand gently on the child's back and move him or her in the direction of the bedroom.

If the child resists this directness and angrily lashes back do not try to correct the child or set him straight. Don't say a single word in response to such an outburst. Say simply, "I'm sorry you're upset about something. Go to your room and relax. You'll feel much better soon."

Such a response will reassure the child that he or she might indeed have a reason for having lashed out at the other child. With this reassurance, the probability is very high that the child will go to his room as instructed by the parent, and the whole matter will end there.

If the child who was the object of the assault complains about being the innocent victim of a mean brother/sister, the parent should be careful not to try to determine or affix blame, to act as a negotiator to seek redress, or to do anything else to try and set the record straight. Efforts of this nature invariably do nothing but complicate things and drag the conflict on indefinitely. Simply say, "I'm sorry you feel you've been an innocent victim. You'll feel better soon." Then leave it at that.

Later, when everyone is feeling better and emotions have calmed down, look for opportunities to selectively reinforce appropriate behaviors. At such a time, it is also appropriate to discuss feelings, but DO NOT allow that discussion to degenerate into fault finding, searching for fairness, placing blame, and all that junk. Use the discussion to clear the air, develop skills, and build bonds.

Never try to resolve a problem if a person is drunk, stoned, emotionally distraught, or out of touch with reality.
When the same, even predictable, inappropriate behavior is occurring, parents can effectively attend to that behavior. First, describe the behavior. Descriptions like "you are too mean," "you''ve got to shape up," etc. are not acceptable. You must be very specific, such as "We've noticed during the last two weeks, that almost daily, you have gotten very angry with your brother. Why are outbursts of anger so inappropriate?" Don't ask why he is angry, rather why such outbursts are inappropriate. This invites the child to become part of the problem-solving process.

The child will usually try to blame someone else, minimize the problem, or sidetrack the conversation. Ignore those attempts. Acknowledge any appropriate response and then describe the desired alternative behavior. Ask about the things he/she can do that will show self control in stressful situations, and why that is desirable. Supply the reason if none is forthcoming.

Role play a situation, which is practicing the desired behavior.

Give positive feedback. And then watch for opportunitities to acknowledge not only the child' s self control but other positive things as well. Keep the conversation short, use only a few words, be understanding but firm.

1. Say something positive.
2. Briefly describe the problem behavior.
3. Describe the desired alternative behavior.
4. Give a reason why the new behavior is more desirable.
5. Practice the desire behavior.
6. Provide positive feedback.

This procedure works really well in school and home settings.

The key to developing high quality human behavior is through the selective, positive reinforcement of appropriate behavior

Positive Toddler Parenting — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 10:52:00 GMT

When I talk about the selective, positive reinforcement of appropriate behaviors I mean simply that we as parents MUST be constantly aware of the behaviors of our children and to carefully select and skillfully reinforce those behaviors that should be strengthened.

It is neither possible nor appropriate to attend to every "good" thing a child does every time he or she does it. To do that would be artificial and even punishing to a child. Instead, look for opportunities to pay attention, in a positive way, to a few select, appropriate behaviors, and do it intermittently, i.e., at times children least expect it.
Not infrequently a parent will be unable to acknowledge behavior immediately, and reinforcement has to be delayed. Perhaps the parents are working, are away at the time, or are not aware of what the child did. It's important to give delayed reinforcement in these instances.

Virtually all children, in the course of the day, will do or say something that is worth selecting out for reinforcement. Soon, selectively reinforcing appropriate behavior will become second nature to you. It might seem a little awkward at first, but in time it will be as natural as driving a car, dialing a telephone, playing the piano, or whatever else a person does fluently.

Most annoying behaviors of children are not worth paying attention to at all

Positive Toddler Parenting — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 10:51:00 GMT

"Which behaviors should be attended to and which shouldn't?" Certainly, there is no way of identifying with absolute certainty, but, as a general rule of thumb, age-typical behaviors such a mild sibling rivalry and when children are just being mouthy with one another, should be ignored.

Occasionally, children will scrap with each other even to the point of pushing, shoving, grabbing, and hitting, more for the purpose of annoying than for hurting. These behaviors can usually be ignored. Just turn your back on them or completely walk out of the room. Say nothing about them. Don't even look at the children when they are behaving this way. Behave as though the children are not even there.

Children who fuss over toys or territory or what's fair should generally be ignored. Children who argue with one another and exchange meaningless verbal blows should be left alone.

To sum it up, I'm reminded of the biblical admonition to "Be slow to anger," and of the Chinese proverb, "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." Be slow to pay attention to behaviors which are basically age-typical and when left alone extinguish because of lack of attention. Behaviors that fall in this category tend to become apparent within a short period of time.

Place your emphasis on building relationships between you and your children in many positive ways.

Clearly communicate your expectations to your children

Positive Toddler Parenting — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 07:49:00 GMT

This includes a clear description of those behaviors that will get your attention. This is typically taught best in a role-playing setting.

At the outset, make certain your children understand exactly what you expect of them. I'm continually amazed, as I visit with parents and their children who are having problems, at how unsure children are of what their parents expect, and how those expectations change given the mood of the situation.

When the child says to a parent, "I didn't know what you wanted me to do!" and the parent angrily responds, "What do you mean you didn't know what I wanted? What are you, stupid?" I know there is a serious communication problem concerning expectations.

Suppose, for example, that you expect your children to come to the dinner table when called. Rather than simply saying, "When I call you for dinner, I want you to come immediately. Now, do you understand that?" Instead, say, "When I call you for dinner, I want you to come immediately. So when do we expect you to come to the table for dinner?"

All of this shouldn't take more than a few minutes. Don't drag it out. Make it brief and make it crisp then let the children be on their way. Don't be concerned if the children don't agree with you. Agreeing is not that important, assuming that your expectations are reasonable. But their understanding of your expectations is important.